My Favorite Movie Pastime, Porn

I was talking to Mia yesterday. Well by the time you read this, it may have been months ago. Anyway, we were discussing our love of porn. We decided to write a blog together about it. Can I just say I was really excited to be able to write a blog with Mia? Anyway, I mentioned to Luna that I was going to be writing this blog and she wanted in on the action. Now, I was at work and was bored and decided to go ahead and write the blog. I told Mia that I had started it, and she was a bit put out by the fact that I started it without her. I read her what I had, and we worked out how three of us were going to write one blog. We made the decision to do a Skype call and just have a conversation. We still have not been able to find a time when we can all get together and write. So I am going to write this one, and we will just call it the first installment on what I am sure will become a recurring topic.

 I know this is not a topic most want to discuss. But let’s face it at least 50% of men and women have watched it. I am going to be honest. I love watching good porn. Therein lies the problem.  Finding good porn is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You have to wade through tons and tons of bad porn. 

I think someone should make a few erotic romance novellas into movies. Can you imagine the sales on those DVDs? Hell, just the Righteous Perverts would put it on the best sellers list.

I have seen some really, really bad porn. You know the kind that makes you want to wash your eyes out with bleach. I just wonder what the actors (yes I use that term loosely) are thinking while they are getting fucked. I mean damn, it is so bad that sometimes you can’t help but laugh at the faces and the noise they are making. I love it when you can see the female not even noticing that some guy is fucking her, and I doubt it is because she is giving another guy head. 

On that subject, why do most movies feel the need to use 10 guys in one scene? Hell, I am tired just watching it. I mean I don’t know any woman who wants to take on the whole baseball team. A few of the members, maybe. But the whole team? Not likely.

Now on to the actual scenes. I am not a fan of the close up shots. I like some good shots, but the kind where you can count the pores on their skin is just creepy. I do like the shots where you see the whole person not just the action. There is nothing stranger than watching someone getting fucked and you just hear weird moaning in the background.  It always makes me think I am in a haunted house.

Now on to positions. Unless your name is Nadia Comaneci, you probably can’t put your foot behind your head. I am sure there is nothing more embarrassing than going to the hospital and telling them that you pulled your hip out of its socket having adventurous sex. Then there is the doggy style that everyone seems to enjoy so much and that most of the movie is in that position. Not me. I would rather see a connection between the two people doing the wild thing. Standing up, not so much because most women don’t weight 50 pounds and let’s face it, most men can lift us up and still have wild sex. I like to see sex on tables and against counters. But if the sex isn’t good then my mind wanders to “I wonder if Lysol makes a special disinfectant to be used on furniture that people have wild monkey sex on?”

Sound effects. Now this one makes me ape shit crazy. I like to hear the people talking and the grunting and groaning but when one of the actors is sayin “Oh god oh god harder harder” and not “OH MY FUCKING GOD HARDER,” it totally takes me out of the scene. By the way, if any of you either decided to make porn or knows someone who does, could you tell them to fix the damn echoes in the rooms? I always feel like they are having sex in the Grand Canyon.

Speaking of rooms, can we just mention they have some nice furniture? And to see a bunch of cum all over it makes me never want to sit down at anyone’s home ever again. I am not saying everyone does that, but I was at my sister’s house and she had just bought a whole new living room set. I was remarking how much I liked it and how comfortable it was then she looked at me and said it was really comfortable to have sex on, and I was heading out the door right then. It took me a good while before I would sit on her furniture ever again. Don’t get me started on the kitchen table because I always scrub it down before we eat.

That brings me to my next thing. Food in the bedroom. I am not opposed to it at all. Here is my thing about it. I really don’t need to see how many apples can be shoved up anyone’s orifices. I will admit I watched it, but the entire time I was thinking ‘I hope they throw those things away’ so it took me out of the porn. Not to mention, they were using the same apples in both girls. When they were shoving them up there, my mind wandered off to the bizarre thought that those poor apples were going to be bruised or made into applesauce because it was tight up in there or it looked that way.

Speaking of that, I once saw one where they shoved everything in the kitchen, including the spray nozzle on the sink, up her behind. I was just thinking a hospital wouldn’t have enough disinfectant to clean those utensils. And really, I don’t think Rachel Ray was expecting the handle of her pots and pans to be used that way.

I guess I can’t write a blog about porn and not mention “The Louisville Slugger”. Yes, I found that movie and shared it with a few select people. I know that I can’t go to a baseball game and not think of the way Lito caressed it and covered it in slick before he used it on Drew. I will say I loved that video, but it wasn’t because Lito was an amazingly hung man (although he is) or mention that he was really good at fucking. For me the video became one of my favorites because the connection between Lito and Drew. They constantly held eye contact and whispered to each other. That is what made it a great video and one that I shared with a few people.

So are you a connoisseur of porn or just a casual watcher?  Maybe porn just grosses you out completely.

Sinfully sarcastic,

Shmuttmeister