Thursday, 30 May 2013

Romantic Times Part Deux

(Said in my best tv announcer voice) “In the last episode of Mia and Tina’s saga, we found out that they are yappy and insane. They spent Friday….Oh to hell with it. If you want to know what we did, go and read the last blog. And now the continuation of The Romantic Times Convention.”

Tina: “I woke up with you staring at me again and that is totally moving into the creepy territory. But let’s move on. You went to take your shower while I chatted with Lori. Then we switched, and I showered. While we were sitting there and chatting, I got a text from Dylan that said he was in town. So we went down to get your books out of the car and see Dylan.”
Mia: “Oh yes, Dylan.” (winks)
Tina: “We met Dylan in the lobby while Lori showered.”
Mia:  (grins) “I have to say I was excited to meet him after hearing about him so much. Although, he was a lot taller than I expected.”
Tina: “He asked if we were going to go to Knuckleheads to watch the concert.”
Mia: “And you said no because you were hanging out with a bunch of women. Boy, that shocked the hell out of me, seeing how much you were flirting with the poor man.”
Tina: “You guys should feel special.”
Mia: “Oh, I did. I was feeling the love.”
Tina: (laughs) “We were gone so long Lori texted me and said she was going to order room service. So we headed for the car to get the books.”
Mia: “Yeah, we lost the car, and it took us forever to find it.” (snickers) “My bad sense of direction must be rubbing off on you.”
Tina:  (ignores Mia) “We went back to the room. By now, Tara was up.”
Mia: “Yep.”
Tina: “We sat around and talked for a while.”
Mia: “Us? Talk? Never.”
Tina: “I know. It’s shocking that we would sit around and yap.”
Mia: “No joke. Why would we want to talk to each other? It’s not like we don’t do it all the time.”
Tina: “We finally went down to the signing.”
Mia: “Yeah, Tara and I had to go get our books stamped.”
Tina: (chuckles) “That’s when Lori and I went to get in line.”
Mia: “Mmhmm, where the security guard tried to stop me and Tara for cutting line when we joined you.”
Tina: “I said, No. You guys were with us.”
Mia: “That was a good thing seeing that Tara and I were about to get at the back of the line. But you gave him the scary face, and he backed down.”
Tina: “We had to stand in line then we had to go up the escalator. Finally, we ended up getting there.”
Mia: “After what seemed like sixty-nine years.” (grumbling)
Tina: (chuckles) “I was just happy that we got there.”
Mia: “Me too. Although, I was about to vomit from nerves.”
Tina: “I herded you in because we wanted to make sure we were in the front of the lines because we really wanted Maya Banks.”
Mia: “Hell to the yes. We did.”
Tina: “We saw Reggie and Kasi first, and I yelled, Oh my God! It’s Reggie and Kasi Alexander!”
Mia: “And I blushed furiously.”
Tina: “Yep, because you always do. We ended up talking to them for a little bit. We moved on until we noticed a long line, and we knew it had to be Maya.”
Mia: “And I wigged out and said Oh my God! Oh my God It’s Maya Freakin Banks!”
Tina: “You did get a little squirrely.”
Mia: “I couldn’t help it. You have a Melissa Fuckin Schroeder obsession. I’m all about Maya Banks. Well…and Lora Leigh and Lucy Monroe and Sophie Oak. Let’s face it. I’m an author junkie.” (chuckles)
Tina: “Then she was really, really nice when we got to her. And she told you to come around the table for a picture with her.”
Mia: “And I almost had a heart attack right then and there. I think the only thing that stopped me was I didn’t want to humiliate myself in front of the writing goddess known as Maya.”
Tina: “I took the picture.”
Mia: “I still can’t believe I could stand upright next to her. My knees were wobbling the entire time.”
Tina: “It was kind of funny.”
Mia: “Which part—the I wanted to vomit, the fact I almost had a heart attack, or that you ratted me out to her?”
Tina: “I totally ratted you out.”
Mia: “Yes, you did. You told her something about me being an author and how you dangle her books in front of me like a carrot to move me along.”
Tina: “We wandered down the line.”
Mia: “I saw Juniper Bell and had to stop and introduce myself.”
Tina: “We loaded up on swag.”
Mia: “Yep.”
Tina: “We stopped and saw Shayla.”
Mia: “After that, we saw Eden Bradley.”
Tina: “You totally fan-girled.”
Mia: “And I didn’t tell her who I was, even though we talk online all the time. I used my real name rather than my pen name.”
Tina: “I giggled ‘cuz I thought it was funny that you don’t really initiate conversations.”
Mia: “I’m shy, hooker.”
Tina: “Yeah right.”
Mia: (gasps) “I am!”
Tina: “That is true. I just have to get you wound up.”
Mia: “Which you do a lot.”
Tina: “Yeah. Totally do it. I guess that’s what I’m for. That’s the only reason you hang out with me.”
Mia: “Bull. I love you, and you know it.”
Tina: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”
Mia: “Blah blah blah.”
Tina: (laughs) “Wow, you’re so inventive.”
Mia: “Bite me.”
Tina: “Not my job.”
Mia: “How often have you said that to me?”
Tina: “More times than I can count.”
Mia: “Mmmhmm. Let’s get back to the signing…We went to several tables that had no one in line because we felt bad for the authors. We wanted to make sure and be super nice so they felt better because a few of them looked kind of sad.”
Tina: “I can’t believe you made me be nice.”
Mia: “I can’t believe you were nice.”
Tina: (laughs)
Mia: “Just kidding. You are really nice. You just don’t like to show it.”
Tina: “A lot of people snickered when they saw our Righteous Perverts bag.”
Mia: “I can’t tell you how many signatures I had by the word Perverts.”
Tina: “Yeah. I had so many that they had to start signing on the back.”
Mia: “Because you’re so much cooler than me.”
Tina: “Yeah. I’m sure that’s what it is.”
Mia:  “Yep.”
Tina: “Then we did our second round where we saw Jules Bennett because this time she didn’t have a line.”
Mia: “Oooh. And I finally talked to Dana Marie Bell, who is fabulous. I got Sabrina Jeffries’s autograph for my MIL, too. Totally got me brownie points, by the way.”
Tina: “We ended up throwing out our highlighted list of authors to see.”
Mia: “Well, it was a waste of time.”
Tina: “A lot of these authors weren’t there. They were at the e-book the signing the day before.”
Mia: “Oh yeah. It was the day before. I missed out on several of the authors I wanted to meet.” (coughs) “Annmarie McKenna” (coughs) “Man, I love her books.”
Tina: “Yeah. We didn’t have tickets to that.”
Mia: “I think that is about the time you went to the restroom.”
Tina: “Yeah, I had to pee. When I came back out, you were talking to your hubby.”
Mia: “Actually, I was squealing in his ear about Maya Banks. Not long after that we ran into Lori and Tara.”
Tina: “Tara and Lori told us about the bands for Lora Leigh.”
Mia: “And I hauled my heinie over there to get one…where I squeed and bounced up and down because I was going to meet Lora Leigh!”
Tina: “You were excited—to say the least.”
Mia: “Um, hello! It was Lora Leigh.”
Tina: “I only read her shifter books.”
Mia: “OMG! I’m obsessed with her Bound Hearts, Tempting Seals, and Elite Ops. Seriously, Wild Card is one of my favorite books of all bloody time. The copy I had her sign is my second one because the first book fell apart from my numerous readings. And still, this copy is creased and worn!”
Tina: “That’s moving into stalker territory.”
Mia: “I resent that.”
Tina: “After we met Lora, I suggested strongly we go back to Eden and you actually talk to her.”
Mia: (snorts) “Right. You dragged me, hooker.”
Tina: “I did not.”
Mia: “Practically.”
Tina: “Whatever. I just said we should go back and you should tell her who you are.”
Mia: “Did I end up saying who I was or did you rat me out to her, too?”
Tina: “I did.”
Mia: “That’s right. I’m such a wuss. Although, when she found out who I was, she squealed and hugged me, which made my day.”
Tina: “Once again, you went behind the table, and I loaded up on the swag. We talked about missing R.G. Alexander.”
Mia: “And a bunch of other stuff I don’t remember because I was so flipping excited” (glances at word count) “Dude, we’re at almost 1500 words.”
Tina: “That’s because we’re yappy so we’ll continue this blog on Monday at your blog.”
Mia: “Works for me!”

Now just for fun, if you came and read the blog, you get to enter a contest. I am giving away a $10 gift card to the site of your choice because we have hit 10,000 blog hits in 5 months. Click on the widget to enter. Thank you for coming to the Righteous Perverts Pulpit.

Sinfully Sarcastic,                Love and Cherries,
 Shmuttmeister                           Mia

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Monday, 27 May 2013

A Romantic Times Conversation with Mia and Shmuttmeister

So here I am again but this time, I am joined by my partner in crime Mia Ashlinn. See here we are in Kansas City at RT.

Anyway, we are going to try and Skype and write this blog about our Romantic Times adventure.  So strap in and get ready to experience our random conversations.  None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent because let’s face it, with the Pervs, there are no innocents—except me.

Tina: “My last blog ended with us going to bed.”
Mia: “Yeah, that sounds wrong.”
Tina: “After hours of cuddling…we were cuddling with pillows. We finally settled down to sleep.”
Mia: “Crap, I misspelled my own name.”
Tina: (giggles)
Tina: “I woke up and you were sitting in the chair looking at me. By the way, which kind of creeped me out a little bit. It’s a little strange to wake up and you’re sitting in the chair looking at me.”
Mia: (snickers) “I couldn’t sleep for all your snoring.”
Tina: (cackles) “You know what, everyone knows I snore. I think next time I’m going to try those nose things.”
Mia:  “Huh?”
Tina: “My sister says they’re called Breathe Right Strips.”
Mia: “You know what, I have those. I should remember the name.”
Tina: “You don’t snore. You snorkel.”
Mia:  (laughing her ass off) “What the fuck is ‘snorkling’? I’ve never heard of that before.”
Tina: “Snorkling is like where you’re holding onto a pillow—or a person—and you are burrowing in and trying to breathe at the same time.”
Mia: “You made that up.”
Tina: “I probably did. There’s snorkeling with diving. But I use it for snorkling.”
Mia: “It keeps telling me I’m misspelling ‘snorkling.’ Stupid spellcheck.”
Tina: “Probably because it’s not a word.”
Mia: “Okay. Now we have to get back to the actual topic, Tina. (mumbles) Some people are so easily distracted.”
Tina: “In the morning, we sat there for hours shooting the shit.
Mia: “We did. We did that a lot.”
Tina: “Then we realized we needed to get our shit together and get dressed.”
Mia: “Mmhmm.”
Tina: “Then Lori texted that she was on her way.”
Mia: “So we did what I like to do best—eat.”
Tina: “Yeah, we went down to…what was the name of that place? I think it was The Terrace.”
Mia: “Where you got a shitload of bacon.”
Tina: “Well, yeah. I like bacon. I’m a bacon whore. And you got one teeny, little sausage. Yeah, you can only handle one.” (snickers)
Mia: “It doesn’t matter if it’s only one as long as it’s good.”
Tina: “It was puny!”
Mia: “But it was yummy.”
Tina: “I tried the sausage. It was okay, but it wasn’t good enough for me to give up the bacon.”
Mia: “Is anything good enough for you to give up the bacon?”
Tina: “Really? Really? We can’t go there.” (chuckles) “As we were finishing up, Caridad Pineiro walked by the table.”
Mia: “She stopped and said Hi.”
Tina: “Yeah, we chatted a little bit. She was really nice”
Mia: “Yes, she was.”
Tina: “And she had someone else with her, but we didn’t recognize her.”
Mia: (giggles) “I didn’t recognize Caridad, and I was too afraid to look at the badge on her belly.”
Tina: “That’s right. You were.”
Mia: “I didn’t recognize half of the people and still, I wouldn’t look at their badges.”
Tina: (laughs) “Then my phone vibrated—“
Mia:  “I bet that felt good. It was in your pants, right?”
Tina: “It was on the table.”
Mia: “Oh yeah. That sucks.”
Tina: “I grabbed the phone and texted Lori where we were at. She said she was walking in the lobby. I waved and told her to look up…and up…and up. That’s when she saw me, waving like a maniac.”
Mia: “You always look like a maniac.”
Tina: “Thanks. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
Mia: “Did you throw up in your mouth a little?”
Tina: “No, that wasn’t sugary-sweet.”
Mia: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. After that was when she did it…Lori hugged me.”
Tina: (laughs)
Mia: “Not funny. I hate hugging.”
Tina: “You don’t hate it. You despise it. There’s a difference.”
Mia: “I guess. This is true.”
Tina: “What happened next? She copped a squat with her suitcase.”
Mia: (laughs sinisterly)
Tina: “You have a maniacal laugh about you today. That never bodes well for me.”
Mia: “Damn it, I can’t type.”
Tina: “That’s because you have evil plotting going on.”
Mia: (stares at the computer screen innocently) “I would never. I’m sweet and nice and…”
Tina: “Yeah, right. You have everybody fooled. I know you’re devious side.”
Mia: “In the words of Miss Piggy, Moi?”
Tina: (ignores Mia) “We sat there like another forty-five minutes or an hour, shooting the shit.”
Mia: “It was fun, but I had more fun in the room.” (snickers)
Tina: “What did we do?”
Mia: “We talked more.”
Tina: “Oh my God. We were like little Magpies, weren’t we?”
Mia: “Yeah, that’s us. Heckle and Jeckle.”
Tina: “After sitting there, we decided to stretch our legs and go find some trouble.”
Mia: “I don’t try to find trouble. It finds me.”
Tina: “Oh please. You’re such a good girl. The only way you find trouble is if we lead you to it.”
Mia: (giggles)
Tina: “It’s very true, though. Isn’t it?”
Mia: “I’m taking the fifth.”
Tina: “Chicken. Bock-bock.”
Mia: (cackles)
Tina: “You’re just amusing yourself now.”
Mia: “Yeah. Uh, we went to find trouble…”
Tina: “Trouble and swag. We found Hennessee (who had been texting with Lori ) while she was having lunch. Then we found swag and trouble in the form of Reggie and Kasi.”
Mia: “Yeah. We found them as you’re swiping swag like a dirty little thief.”
Tina: “Well it is fitting. Reggie used to be a cop.”
Mia: “He did have rope…but I don’t know about handcuffs.”
Tina: “He uses his rope to tie the bunny.”
Mia: “I’m sure he can untie then re-tie after he’s done. He is a Dom, and they are crafty.”
Tina: “There’s something so wrong with the two of us.”
Mia: “Speak for yourself.”
Tina: “I’m pretty sure I can speak for the both of us. After all, I have slept with you like six times now. I’ve probably slept with you more than the dude you bang.”
Mia: “My husband?” (closes eyes and groans) “Oh no, that left me wide open.”
Tina: “That’s what he says.”
Mia: “Oh My God!”
Tina: (cackles)
Mia: “Let’s see. Where were we? I think we saw Sophie, Chloe, and Jane Rylon after that—when we were walking to the mall.”
Tina: “We hugged and there were pleasantries exchanged.”
Mia: (groans) “More hugging.”
Tina: “You’re just so squeezable.”
Mia: “Right. Yeah.”
Tina: “You’re like that little squeezable Charmin bear.”
Mia: (giggle-snorts) “Is that a compliment or an insult?”
Tina: “It’s a compliment.”
Mia: “Sure…After that, we shopped.”
Tina: “We were looking for deodorant and a toothbrush. No place sold it so I bought my bear, and we went back to the room. We talked about changing.”
Mia: “And I was the only one who actually change. You and Lori thought I was goofy, I might add.”
Tina: “I told you to just pick one.”
Mia: “Shocking.”
Tina: “I know, right?”
Mia: “Bite me.”
Tina: “We went downstairs to meet Randi then we went to the bar for drinks.”
Mia: “We met Hennessee there.”
Tina: “Along with Marla Monroe, Sophie, Chloe, Reggie and his girls, Kasi, Randi, and Terry Terranova. We all ordered drinks and started talking. Shocking. I know.”
Mia : “There were a lot of us. I think we are missing some people. Sorry if we missed you.”
Tina: “I remember we had shitty service. We had to go get our own drinks.”
Mia: “It was busy.”
Tina: “Yeah, but it was still shitty service. They knew they had a bunch of people.”
Mia: “True.”
Tina: “Kasi whipped out the jewelry while we were there.”
Mia: “Oh yeah, I loved the shinies.”
Tina: “Of course, you do.”
Mia: “Bite. Me.”
Tina: We sat and talked—“
Mia: “Like we did a lot.”
Tina: “What did we talk about? Books, the business, and the people who weren’t with us.”
Mia: “Not in a bad way!”
Tina: “Everyone scattered for dinner, and we went to meet Tracey.”
Mia: “While were in the lobby being naughty, we got the text from Tara that she’d arrived.”
Tina: “Then we took Tara upstairs to drop off her stuff. She changed and we went back down to meet Tracey again. After that, we went for drinks courtesy of Tracey, where we met up with the Pervs we already met plus Jilly and Amy.”
Mia: “Everyone was awesome, and the food was super yummy.”
Tina: “I wouldn’t know. I didn’t eat it.”
Mia: “You know me. I’m all about the food.”
Tina: “A good time was had by all, but Tara and I were about to crash. So me, you, and Tara went back to the room to wind down.”
Mia: “We yapped for a little while longer.”
Tina: “Then we snuggled down like bugs in a rug and fell asleep.”

To catch up on Saturday’s events, come back Thursday for the second part of this conversation…

Sinfully Sarcastic,                Love & Cherries,
 Shmuttmeister                        Mia

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Beauty + Brains = Hotness (My Girl Crushes)

I am not afraid to admit it I find some women just hot. If I went that way I would totally do them. How can you argue with the stunning Angelina Jolie, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren and so many more? I know there are a lot of women who would never admit to finding women attractive, but I do. I mean they do lack the necessary parts to really push my buttons, but I can still appreciate the beauty of them. What makes these women irresistible to me is not just their physical looks but also their personality. I know everyone says that but to me, it is true. Each of these women represent something different to me.

Kate Hudson is not only the quintessential blonde but she is also so free spirited. I find someone who can just let go and let it all hang out so attractive. I guess it is one of the things that I wish I could do. She is brave enough to just do it. She was raised by her parents Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell to be herself and she has lived by it. She married Chris Robinson, of the Black Crowes and had a son in her early twenties. Although that relationship didn't work out she still kept her humor and love of life during the break up. She is now in another relationship and seems to be happy all while raising her son to be just as free spirited as she is.

  Kate is one of the few actresses that can be so beautiful and make you forget her looks at the same time. When she is playing a character, she draws you in and you feel her hurt, pain and insecurities—all at the same time—and that is when you have forgotten all the superficial things that most people see when they look at her. She received an Oscar nomination for her break- out role as Penny in Almost Famous. This was the movie that introduced me to Kate as an actress and I think that is where my girl crush began.

Angelina Jolie, I know a lot of people do not like her, but she makes you respect her. Her confidence in what she believes is right is refreshing. She will fight to protect the children and women of the world. She doesn’t care what anyone says about her being a bitch or a husband thief. She just holds her head up and carries on. She has fought for women all over the world and doesn’t try and convince them that the American way is the only way. She respects everyone and will bring light to the darkest corners of the abuse of women and children. There is a reason she has been a United Nations ambassador for so many years. In a world where people flip flop all over the place on issues, she has stood firm in her beliefs. I find that extremely sexy.

I haven’t even talked about her talent as an actress. She is one of the few women who is so beautiful and yet has no qualms about doing a stunt where she could be hurt. She won an Oscar for her role in Girl Interrupted and stole the movie from Winona Ryder. Her choice of roles is so very diverse. She has played every woman from a mother to a spy to a video game vixen. It is one of the things I like most about her. I love the fact that even if her movies do not make a ton of money, she just keeps on picking roles that speak to her on some level.

Her passion for life and love is very apparent in her actions, and she will not let anything stop her in her quest to find happiness. She has made a wonderful family with Brad Pitt and their children. She doesn’t care what anyone says. She will live life to the fullest and do what is right for her family. And that is sexy.

The last lady on my list is Sophia Loren. Wow, what to say about her? What a stunning woman. She is and never has been one of the stick women that so many find attractive. She has embraced her curves and used them to show that a woman doesn’t have to weigh a certain amount or to be a specific size to succeed in a career where looks are everything. She has acted with every leading man from both Hollywood and Italy. She won two Oscars and has proven she is not just a pretty face.

 Sophia found love, but he was already married. She had a long affair with Carlo Ponti till he was able to obtain a divorce. She and Carlo married and had two sons. She had semi-retired to raise her children, but she was always willing to take on a role that meant a lot to her.  Sophia never tried to hide her private life, but she has also said that acting is what she does, but it is not who she is. She stays active in a variety of charities and still acts on occasion. She is the definition of class and beauty.

Now you know a couple of my girl crushes so who are yours?

Sinfully Sarcastic,

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Tim Tams At The Ready

They say patience is a virtue, right? One I don’t possess. In what seems an eon ago, last June I was talking on the phone to Cherise Sinclair, who invited me to join her at RomCon 2013. I mulled that over for, oh…say twenty seconds or so, and said “Yes!”

A day later, I cruised the Qantas website and confirmed I could snag a direct, albeit sixteen hours long, flight to Dallas. After a quick phone call with Sophie Oak, I had a rough travel plan sorted in my head. I was on my way to the US, baby!

That’s when the whole patience and waiting thing started. So I waited, and waited.
Each Friday I’d check my Outlook calendar. Of course, only one lousy week had passed from the last time I’d counted. And bloody heck, there were forty odd more to go before I’d fly out again. Damn, that infernal waiting!

Contenting myself with phone calls to Cherise, Sophie, and Chloe, and also the release of my first novel, Chloe’s Double Draw, I planned and conjured up marketing ideas. Was I popular enough to have any readers interested in meeting up for lunch? What the heck would I do about swag? Is my arse too big? You know, the important stuff.

Then I gave the calendar a casual glance and squealed—in panic.
Sweet Jesus Almighty, where the heck did those forty weeks go? Mad panic ensured. My local grocer worried I had some weird addiction to Tim Tams. Why else would I have cleared the shelves of this particular Aussie delight? I explained I was shipping them overseas. He simply looked at my umm…rubenesque figure. His doubt was palpable. That bloody arse of mine again!

Bookmarks became top priority. I rigged up a design and rushed it off to my graphic artist chappy. My branding goal? Show that man flesh, baby! And RomCon, my first convention as a published author, loomed like the Sword of Damocles, ready to cut me to ribbons. Would I sit there all alone at my tiny book signing table and watch readers avoid my beseeching gaze like I was some older, scruffy pre-loved pooch at the pound?  What the hell was I thinking signing up for this event?

As I tried to cram a lifetime’s worth of Tim Tams into my Samsonite suitcase, I discovered my overly priced box on wheels held magical properties. Yep, you betcha. It managed to contract two-fold every time I foisted something into the depths of its dark-blue lining. Apparently, it works in the complete opposite way as my arse, which has the ability to increase its girth on a daily basis.


Since clothing is in fact a necessity—therefore taking up valuable room in said magical suitcase—I made the bold decision to mail all the edible goodies to Sophie, including Chloe Vale’s much-longed-for stash of Violet Crumbles. The cost of mailing boxes to the United States equates to close to buying a new car. Why don’t I just take another suitcase with me? Sure thing, except I’ll have to negotiate declaring my goodies to US Customs. And after reading numerous warnings of the two to three-hour wait to clear border security at DFW, I decided to pass on that folly.

I have requested, no, make that begged, for Sophie to greet me in the arrivals area of DFW with a hug, followed sharply with a glass containing a miniature umbrella and something alcoholic. After a sixteen-hour flight with guaranteed “airplane hair” and two-hour wait to pass through customs, that sounds about fair, right?

As for my flight, I admit, I’m that tragic human that gets excited over the small amenities kit Qantas hands out. I ooh and ahhh over the damn thing likes it’s a Christmas stocking. Miniature toothpaste and brush, how delightful! The idea of my food arriving on a tray thrills me. And having my own personal telly to watch a stream of movies is squeal worthy.

Hi there, my name is Fiona and I am a dork.

Basically, what I’m saying is, I’ve waited a bloody long time for my departure date. With three weeks until lift-off, I’ve rushed around like a mad hatter, and yet I want to hold onto every second of expectation before I fly out. I still have to fit in a dentist’s appointment and the hairdresser the week before. But truly, I’m so excited at the chance to meet some lovely perverts (righteously so!) and other readers/friends as I traipse across America. The twenty-four day trip will go by faster than a Kardashian’s marriage but have much more meaning.

If I have the pleasure of meeting you along the way, please grab me in a hug and say “Hi.” I’m one of those relaxed Aussies who have a ready smile. I’ve come a long way to meet you, so don’t be shy.

Hugs and love,

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Start of Something Good

Wondering what this week’s blog is about? Me too. I know I want to write about my trip to the Romantic Times Convention but who knows where this blog may go. Hell, we all know on my best blogs, I ramble so let’s put on the Allman Brothers Band and let the journey begin. (If you're too young to get it, look it up.)

As a few of you who read my blogs know, I was extremely nervous about this trip. I have met Tara Clegg and Mia Ashlinn a few times. The unknown was going to be our fourth, Lori King (Wow, does that sound naughty). I know I have talked to Lori for months, but it is still strange meeting someone for the first time. You never know if they are going to be the same person when they are standing in front of you that they are online. In the past, I have been burned by meeting someone that I talked to for years. She was totally different in person. So yep, I wanted to turn around and stay home a few times. I knew though, that in the end, Lori would be an experience I wouldn’t want to miss. So I sucked it up and left my house.

I headed down I-55 to St. Louis so that I could pick up my partner in crime, Mia Ashlinn. The drive was nice and peaceful, but that could be because I decided to rent a car, which happened to be brand spanking new so no strange rattles and the sound system was perfect for jamming to some Maroon 5. As I headed to the airport, I hit construction on the bridge across the Mississippi River. You know what that means. Yep, traffic congestion. Mia called me to let me know she had landed, and I was moments away from the airport. As I pulled up, she had no idea where she was at so I told her to just head outside, and I would find her. Then she found a sign that told her that she was by pickup 11. By now, I had passed her and was all the way down to pickup 18. I parked and told her to find me because I am evil like that. Not to mention, I would have had to leave and circle back around because Lambert Field loves their one way drives. She asked what kind of car I was driving and, me being me, I had to get out to look. Hey, don’t laugh. I knew it was a VW, just not what model it was. By the way, it was a Passat. 

I was getting ready to go and hunt for her when I looked up, and there she was standing by the passenger door. I jumped out and opened the trunk, which had my big huge honking suitcase in it. I tossed hers in next to mine and then I did the most evil thing to her. I HUGGED HER! Yes, in that moment I feared for my life. In case you didn’t know, Mia is not a hugger. 

After that, we jumped in the car and headed out. Now she landed at 4:45. That meant we were going to hit St. Louis traffic so we decided to stop and grab some grub before we hit the road. Trying to make a decision with Mia is like pulling teeth. She is a foodie so I never know what she would want to eat. I figured Bob Evans would be a decent choice. We pull in and I find out that all Bob Evans are not the same. The food was okay but not what I am used to here in my town.

Next step, in our journey is to get back on I-70 and head on to Kansas City. No problem. I chose a restaurant close to the interstate for a reason. We made sure the GPS was programmed for the hotel and off we went. I was not surprised that talking to her in person was just as comfortable as talking to her on the phone. There was nothing that was off our conversational limits. We talked about everything under the sun. I think it helped both our nerves to have a long drive to calm down. We were both anxious to get to KC. 

As most of you heard, there was icky weather for RT. Yep, May in the Midwest was showing off so I had fun driving through rain and snow and a wonderful mixture of the two. 

We pull up to the hotel and try to find parking. I drive into the parking garage and took the first turn and then saw several signs saying that it had reserved parking. I looked where I pulled in and no signs. So I said Fuck it and parked. Now came the fun part— pulling all our stuff out of the car to drag into the hotel. We decided on just the necessities. You know, our suitcases and laptops.

We headed to the front desk, and I started to get us registered when the man told me we had one king sized bed and a roll away. I looked at him like he had grown a second head. I told him I had reserved the room months in advance and had requested two double beds. He said that people had stayed longer so that room was not available. Can you say I was not happy? I told him I wanted on the list for the next days first available double room.  I figured that with just me and Mia, we could share the king bed no problem. 

We headed up and dropped our crap in the room. We sat for a few moments then decided to get the lay of the land. We went down to look around and found some swag tables and the lobby was hoppin. We went down there to look around, and I saw JENN LEBLANC!!! She was so cute in her pj’s. I was going to go say hi when she headed to the restroom. I wanted to wait outside till she came out, but Mia said it was creepy. The bitch. I wanted to wait so I wouldn’t have to approach her while she was with a group. I didn’t know anyone else in her group so it was more comfortable for me to catch her alone. But since Mia said no, we headed on back to the room. When we were safely ensconced in the room, we changed into our pj’s  and then sat there for over an hour, probably more like two or three, winding down and getting ready for meeting strangers.

I think I have rambled on enough for one blog so I am going to make this a two (or three) part blog. So look for more details next week. And on Mia’s blog.

Sinfully Sarcastic,

Monday, 13 May 2013

Cheez - Whiz By Mia Ashlinn

Hiya Pervs! It’s me, Mia, and I’m here to… Wait! Don’t run. Please. I promise I’m not going to do or say anything too crazy. Actually, I’m not going to be crazy at all—well, um, not really. I’m going to be a very, very virtuous girl, practically an angel. If you don’t believe me, well, just take a gander at this (points to shiny gold ring around head). I have a halo to prove it.

Now I know my being on good behavior is hard for some of you to believe. (adjusts halo to hide the devil horns) And I also know that I will probably struggle with the whole sweet and innocent bit. After all, I’m not exactly known for being a ‘good girl.’ Hell, I practically choked on my drink when I typed the words. But I want to take a minute to say some things to my fellow pervs that I would normally be hesitant to say.

Ah, who am I kidding? Even if I said what I wanted to in a normal, every-day setting, my version of sappy is too bloody long-winded to fit anywhere. And our leaders Tina and Luna would kick me from here to kingdom come if I wrote a long, drawn-out, uber-cheesy novel and posted it in the group. Frankly, they’d kick my butt for lots of reasons. I think they enjoy it. But Shhh! Let’s not tell them what I suspect.

Alrighty then…Let’s get to it before you lose me to blog ADD.

Last week, I went to the Romantic Times convention. While I was in Kansas City, I spent some time with several of our pervs. Yes, you know who you are. And if people hunt me down and maim me for this blog, I’m personally blaming you. Then I’m sending them for you. So lock your doors and sleep with one eye open.

Anywhoo...This convention brought home some truths to me. What, you ask?

Well…First of all, the trip reminded me that there are other people out there like me. (gasps) I know. Pervs do exist, ones that aren’t like the creepers on Criminal Minds and Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Now I talk to you guys pretty much every day. Still though, talking is not the same as seeing. I kind of wish it was because I feel bonded to all of you. And I’m sorry for that. LOL. But it’s the truth. I feel like I know each and every one of you. Because of that connection, I’ve come to love you guys. Again, I’m sorry for that. So being allowed to hang out with—one, two, or sixty-nine of—you is like a gift. Granted it’s a funny, naughty, and crazy gift. But it’s a gift no less.

Secondly, the trip brought me closer to those pervs who I don’t know as well, the ones who are probably afraid to talk to me. Cue the evil laughter. Okay, in all seriousness, they are not intimidated by me. I’m intimidated by them. Please ignore my red face. I find these pervs absolutely enchanting and fascinating, but I haven’t been brave enough to talk to them as much as I would like. Ergo, I took this trip as an opportunity to chat it up with those RPers. Let me tell you, they were fabulous. And truthfully, I would now love to talk to them…and talk to them…and talk to them—until they gag me. If I’m lucky, they might tie me up, too.

Damn it, there went my halo. Hehehe. I told you it would be hard.

And third, the trip was a chance to let my freak flag fly with my friends. Now, for me, that is a rarity at best. I don’t have a lot of friends at home who are okay with talking about sex. Seriously, they think ‘missionary’ only means someone who goes on a trip to aid underprivileged countries. While that type of a mission is beautiful and wonderful and 110% respectable, that is not always what I’m referring to when I say ‘missionary.’ But their vanilla-ness is extends far beyond than that. I, literally, have friends who would probably have me committed to a sex addict program if they had a clue what I write. And crap, if they knew the things I like in the boudoir, I would be shunned for eternity.

When I’m with you guys, this isn’t the case. I know that I can say what I want, and you will love me unconditionally. Half of you would probably be egging me on. Mmmhmm, you would, and you know it! For a somewhat (previously) sheltered woman, that is priceless.

Finally, I have to say it. You knew I would. The trip gave me a chance to be trapped alone with our leader and my P.I.A. Tina. Yep, that was…interesting. Bwahaha! Talk about an understatement. We talked about things that still make me blush. But our discussions and my subsequent embarrassment is neither here nor there. Spending time with Tina always teaches me a lot about friendship and loyalty, which of course also leads me back to you guys.

So now, we’re heading into the Cheez-Whiz territory…Watch out for puddles.

Unconditional friendship is not something I’ve experienced a lot in my life. I’ve always been what people wanted, what they expected, and that never made me happy. Hell, it made me miserable because I wasn’t meant to be a white sheep. I’m that one lone black one in a flock of white ones. But I always felt compelled to cover myself with paint to hide who and what I was. Let me tell you, there’s not enough paint in the world to cover up this black wool. But when I’m with you guys—whether online, on the phone, or in person—I don’t have to be something I’m not. I can prance around in whatever color I want to be. Red, white, black, pink polka dots, it doesn’t matter. You guys still accept me.

Before I became a part of this group, I didn’t realize how much I needed acceptance. True, I have friends, but the ocean between us is wide. Being around people who don’t make me comfortable, people who constantly judge me, brings my walls down and locks the stinking gate. For a long time, I was okay with feeling constantly lonely, even when I was surrounded by a sea of friends. But I’m not anymore. I need to have people in my life who I can be myself around. I need to know that I have people who support me, people who can laugh with me and at me. Maybe I’m just a needy person. Maybe not. But the fact is, I need you guys.

 So thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for supporting me every day for the past twenty-one-and-a-half months. Thank you for being who you are. And thank you for letting me be me and loving me in spite of my issues—all of them.

All my love,


Wednesday, 8 May 2013


Hey, I think that was the title of a book. Oh well, now it is the title of my blog too. Let’s face it. Mine is more important. Right???? Fine. It is not. There is no reason to be hateful about it. Geez, people can be cranky here. Damn, I didn’t even get to the second paragraph before I had blogging A.D.D.. 

Alright back to the topic.

Flirting. I see nothing wrong with it as long as it is harmless. I know that some of you are gnashing your teeth right now, but you need to take a chill pill. The key word in that sentence is harmless. Let’s be honest. Everyone does it. The questions are How much do you do? and Why do you do it?

To me, flirting is a casual conversation where you say things with a wink and a nudge. This is the kind of flirting I do on a regular basis. I mean nothing by it. It is a way to make someone feel better when they are having a bad day.

Some of you know I work in retail. I flirt all the time at work. I do it with vendors who are having a craptastic day and for just a few minutes, I can get them to laugh or smile. Okay, most of the time they look at me and just shake their heads. But you know what, for that brief second, they have forgotten what is making their day so crappy. 

I also do it with people that are shopping in the store. Man or woman doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be sexual in anyway. I am not hitting on the women or some of the men by any means. It is just a way to calm a cranky person right down. If you say something kind of flirty, they have to take a second to see if you are hitting on them or just kidding with them. Most of the time, I can soothe the savage shopper just by the way I approach the cranky person. Do I smile at them? No, I just have a smart assed mouth and can make anything sound slightly dirty. It is all in the phrasing and approach.

I usually only flirt to throw people off balance, which is a very good thing for some. If they are worried about what you are going to say next they usually keep their mouths shut and stop complaining. Sometimes they flirt back. I never take this seriously. They only want to see how far I will take it and yep, I will go there if they are having fun with it.

Once again, it means nothing, and it will usually only last a few minutes till I can get them the hell away from me. I have to admit I like to mess with people, too. So even if they are not cranky, I will do it for shits and giggles.

Now on to the other kind of flirting.

You know what I am talking about. It is the hands-on flirting, which a lot more dangerous not only to you but also to your target as well. This is the kind that gets you in trouble with either your significant other or with their other half. If you touch someone, to me, it is an invitation. I never touch anyone that I do not know. Even if you think it is harmless, they may not. You don’t even have to touch them to go to the bad flirting place. It is all in your delivery. If you keep it light and fluffy then you are fine, but there is a fine line between that and I totally want to take you to the bathroom and do you.

If you are light and fluffy, most of the time everyone is fine but when someone is with their significant other, don’t flirt with just one half of the couple. You have to flirt with both or there will be hard feelings. I sometimes indulge in that but most of the time, I am smart enough just to leave it alone. I never flirt with just the man. I don’t care if it is George Clooney. It is just in bad taste to flirt with someone while his date is sitting there watching.  
Now I bet you thought I would stop there. But no, I am moving on to the reasons for flirting. For me, it is just harmless fun. Others have a more sinister reason. I have seen this multiple times. Both sexes flirt to get what they want. They want a promotion. They flirt and flatter till they get what they want. Or in some cases, it is just to prove that they take something away from others and they know if they are all flirty, they can get it. This is the destructive kind of flirting and to me, it is not really flirting. It is manipulation. I never indulge in this kind of flirting. It will bite you in the ass every single time. You may get your promotion or raise or whatever, but you are going to create hard feelings all along the way. You have to remember that in some cases you have to work with these people so pissing them off is not smart. 

If you are flirting with someone in a bar, it is the same thing. You may not have to see them again, but you will find that the opposite sex notices and the same sex will hold it against you forever. I always remember the women that come into a bar and flirt with all the men. Men like to be flirted with but if they respond, all the women also notice that they are taken in by a pretty face and will run from them.

This concludes my lesson in flirting. Now which kind of flirting do you do?? 

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Guest Author T.J. Michaels

As many of you know we normally post our author blogs on Tuesdays. This week our author the wonderfully talented T.J. was sick. She is now feeling better and she decided to do something different for our blog. I have a feeling you will love this because I know I did. She did a video. So please run on over to youtube and check her out !!!

T.J. Michaels Righteous Perverts Blog