YOU MIGHT BE A PERVERT IF: CHRISTMAS EDITION
Every December, I put a Christmas twist on my favorite game, You Might Be a Pervert If... This year, I thought it would be highly appropriate (and slightly inappropriate) to play it out right here with my favorite pervs. Come on. It’s appropriate. Right? Or maybe, I’m just cheesy. Either way, here we go:
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you build a dungeon in your gingerbread house.
Speaking of gingerbread, you might be a Christmas pervert if…your gingerbread men are anatomically correct. (And boy oh boy, are they hung)
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you practice your oral skills on a candy cane. (Remember nice and slow. Long licks. But don’t stick it in too deep. You might cut your throat with that bad boy.)
You might be a Christmas pervert if…Santa used a Sharpie to write your name in big, bold black letters at the top of the Naughty List. (Face it, honey, you’re not getting off there. Ever.)
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you think Xmas should be XXXmas.
You might be a Christmas pervert if….your favorite Christmas movie is Home Alone, the porno edition. (The night before their flight to Paris for the Xmas holiday, the Swallows family and closest friends gather at the Winnetka, Illinois home of Dick and Kitty Swallows. Their eight-teen-year-old son Willie is tormented by his girlfriend, Ivana Fuckalot, about his hard-on for the next door neighbor, who is outside shoveling the snow. After a fight and a nice, long fuck, Willie goes to the third floor of the house to clean up. While in the shower, he jerks off with images of his naked next door neighbor dancing in his head. As he cums, he wishes his girlfriend would disappear. During the night, an electrical outage resets the alarm clocks and causes his family, friends, and girlfriend to oversleep. In the confusion and rush to reach their flight on time, Willie is left behind. Everyone is unaware of the mistake until Ivana is joining the mile-high club with Willie’s two brothers, Dick Jr. and Harry. Once in Paris, Ivana tries desperately to book a flight home, but finds that all the flights are booked for the next two days. Never fear. Ivana convinces the clerks to put her on standby after a romp in the nearest restroom. The rest of the family and friends go to their relative's home in Paris, where they have a jolly old time. Meanwhile, Willie is all alone and very lonely. What’s a boy to do? Get fucked by the two criminals breaking into his parent’s house.)
You might be a Christmas pervert if…your kids should be singing, “I saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus” rather than “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you think one of the reindeer’s names is Fucker. (Can’t you just hear Santa screaming, “On Dasher and Dancer and Fucker and Vixen. On Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.”?)
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you have exactly 69 sets of balls on your tree. (Now that’s a lot of balls.)
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you use your red velvet ribbon for a little late night bondage.
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you substitute bondage tape for Scotch tape when you wrap your presents.
You might be a Christmas pervert if…your mistletoe kiss is on your lips…the ones way down south.
You might be a Christmas pervert if…your version of a wreath is a ring that wraps around your man’s cock.
You might be a Christmas pervert if…you go to the local mall so you can sit on Santa’s lap. No need to tell him what you want for Christmas, you wicked woman.
So now, the question begging to be asked is “Are you a Christmas pervert?”
Wait. What am I thinking? I’m on the Pulpit with the Righteous Perverts' eyes on me (or on this blog, if you want to get technical). Y’all are the naughtiest, wickedest, filthiest-minded people I know. And I have no doubt your Christmas perverts. After all, y'all get your freaky on year round. No wonder I love you all.
Much love. Lots of kisses. And have a very merry, cherry Christmas!