Cheez - Whiz By Mia Ashlinn

Hiya Pervs! It’s me, Mia, and I’m here to… Wait! Don’t run. Please. I promise I’m not going to do or say anything too crazy. Actually, I’m not going to be crazy at all—well, um, not really. I’m going to be a very, very virtuous girl, practically an angel. If you don’t believe me, well, just take a gander at this (points to shiny gold ring around head). I have a halo to prove it.

Now I know my being on good behavior is hard for some of you to believe. (adjusts halo to hide the devil horns) And I also know that I will probably struggle with the whole sweet and innocent bit. After all, I’m not exactly known for being a ‘good girl.’ Hell, I practically choked on my drink when I typed the words. But I want to take a minute to say some things to my fellow pervs that I would normally be hesitant to say.

Ah, who am I kidding? Even if I said what I wanted to in a normal, every-day setting, my version of sappy is too bloody long-winded to fit anywhere. And our leaders Tina and Luna would kick me from here to kingdom come if I wrote a long, drawn-out, uber-cheesy novel and posted it in the group. Frankly, they’d kick my butt for lots of reasons. I think they enjoy it. But Shhh! Let’s not tell them what I suspect.

Alrighty then…Let’s get to it before you lose me to blog ADD.

Last week, I went to the Romantic Times convention. While I was in Kansas City, I spent some time with several of our pervs. Yes, you know who you are. And if people hunt me down and maim me for this blog, I’m personally blaming you. Then I’m sending them for you. So lock your doors and sleep with one eye open.

Anywhoo...This convention brought home some truths to me. What, you ask?

Well…First of all, the trip reminded me that there are other people out there like me. (gasps) I know. Pervs do exist, ones that aren’t like the creepers on Criminal Minds and Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Now I talk to you guys pretty much every day. Still though, talking is not the same as seeing. I kind of wish it was because I feel bonded to all of you. And I’m sorry for that. LOL. But it’s the truth. I feel like I know each and every one of you. Because of that connection, I’ve come to love you guys. Again, I’m sorry for that. So being allowed to hang out with—one, two, or sixty-nine of—you is like a gift. Granted it’s a funny, naughty, and crazy gift. But it’s a gift no less.

Secondly, the trip brought me closer to those pervs who I don’t know as well, the ones who are probably afraid to talk to me. Cue the evil laughter. Okay, in all seriousness, they are not intimidated by me. I’m intimidated by them. Please ignore my red face. I find these pervs absolutely enchanting and fascinating, but I haven’t been brave enough to talk to them as much as I would like. Ergo, I took this trip as an opportunity to chat it up with those RPers. Let me tell you, they were fabulous. And truthfully, I would now love to talk to them…and talk to them…and talk to them—until they gag me. If I’m lucky, they might tie me up, too.

Damn it, there went my halo. Hehehe. I told you it would be hard.

And third, the trip was a chance to let my freak flag fly with my friends. Now, for me, that is a rarity at best. I don’t have a lot of friends at home who are okay with talking about sex. Seriously, they think ‘missionary’ only means someone who goes on a trip to aid underprivileged countries. While that type of a mission is beautiful and wonderful and 110% respectable, that is not always what I’m referring to when I say ‘missionary.’ But their vanilla-ness is extends far beyond than that. I, literally, have friends who would probably have me committed to a sex addict program if they had a clue what I write. And crap, if they knew the things I like in the boudoir, I would be shunned for eternity.

When I’m with you guys, this isn’t the case. I know that I can say what I want, and you will love me unconditionally. Half of you would probably be egging me on. Mmmhmm, you would, and you know it! For a somewhat (previously) sheltered woman, that is priceless.

Finally, I have to say it. You knew I would. The trip gave me a chance to be trapped alone with our leader and my P.I.A. Tina. Yep, that was…interesting. Bwahaha! Talk about an understatement. We talked about things that still make me blush. But our discussions and my subsequent embarrassment is neither here nor there. Spending time with Tina always teaches me a lot about friendship and loyalty, which of course also leads me back to you guys.

So now, we’re heading into the Cheez-Whiz territory…Watch out for puddles.

Unconditional friendship is not something I’ve experienced a lot in my life. I’ve always been what people wanted, what they expected, and that never made me happy. Hell, it made me miserable because I wasn’t meant to be a white sheep. I’m that one lone black one in a flock of white ones. But I always felt compelled to cover myself with paint to hide who and what I was. Let me tell you, there’s not enough paint in the world to cover up this black wool. But when I’m with you guys—whether online, on the phone, or in person—I don’t have to be something I’m not. I can prance around in whatever color I want to be. Red, white, black, pink polka dots, it doesn’t matter. You guys still accept me.

Before I became a part of this group, I didn’t realize how much I needed acceptance. True, I have friends, but the ocean between us is wide. Being around people who don’t make me comfortable, people who constantly judge me, brings my walls down and locks the stinking gate. For a long time, I was okay with feeling constantly lonely, even when I was surrounded by a sea of friends. But I’m not anymore. I need to have people in my life who I can be myself around. I need to know that I have people who support me, people who can laugh with me and at me. Maybe I’m just a needy person. Maybe not. But the fact is, I need you guys.

 So thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for supporting me every day for the past twenty-one-and-a-half months. Thank you for being who you are. And thank you for letting me be me and loving me in spite of my issues—all of them.

All my love,

-Mia