The Wonderful World of Toys

Toys! How to have fun while shopping for ‘Playtime Plastic Penises’.



Hey, doing the blog thingie for RP. My topic is “shopping for sex toy stuff”. I, being late the the party of grown up battery operated toys, actually had to go out and do what I’m writing about. Yup, I got my tush out and about and wandered on in to … one of THOSE stores! So let’s start with the ‘how to buy’ portion of the blog, shall we? I’ll go step by step for those who have yet to venture into the great unknown, otherwise known as your local adult shop.



Step #1 – Enter the Kink Zone!
Find out where the store is located from where you are. Go to the location; walk, drive or take a transit bus, just get your ass there. Open the door and haul your ass inside! There ya go you’re on the way to making a purchase. I could tell you to log on to the website of whatever online store you find you like, but being my first time I wanted to see with my own eyes and yes, touch the merchandise to get a sense of what the items are really like. You can’t get the tactile sensation of a rubber dildo or tell the difference in feel of the silicone vibrator while staring at the monitor now can you? How can you decide what to get for the first time if you don’t know what you like the feel of in your hands first? (just remember you can only use your hands for testing, the employees will frown upon any attempts to “road test” any items, if you know what I mean.  You may also get arrested too, which might not be so bad because then you get a police man with handcuffs to play with… if you’re feeling really mischievous, and have a phone-a-friend for bail money.)

Step #2 – Touchy Feely Time.
Have a good look around the store and don’t be afraid to touch the display items or take a box down off the shelf to read the info on the box. Check out the pretty colours and the scents of the fragrant products. Now me being me, I’m picky about colours of girlie things sometimes. Pink is not a colour I like. I’m not that big on the girlie girlness of a sea of shades of pink products. So when faced with a selection of dildos, vibrators, bottles of lube… I avoid the pinkage and go for any other colours they have in stock. Purple seems to be the next most popular colour for stuff, purple is ok for me. It’s close to blue, which is my fave colour. I think they avoid blue coloured stuff for some reason. Blue balls references perhaps?? So when I see bright varieties of shades of non-pink I pay attention to those items hanging on the displays. Am I one of the weirdos who sees a green vibrator and imagines some sci fi geeky couple doing alien abduction anal probe role playing?? Yes, yes I am! Not imagining how you can get some giggles during your playtime is like only doing missionary position. Dull, boring, normal! OMG No, not normal! The horror!

Ok back to shopping. While having a look around, don’t feel shy about asking the staff for help or asking them about the products. They work there and most likely either know people who use the products or use them themselves. If they don’t, then they need to cause HELLOOO employee discount and new featured items to discover! The staff will of course have the manufacturers’ info on the items, but it’s the ones who bought and used the stuff that can really tell you about what they sell. The hands on info can help you with your decision on what would be good for your pleasure needs.

Step #3 – Biting the Bullet and buying it!
Being a first time buyer/user of the grown up battery operated toys, I decided to take the advice of the helpful lady and go for the less flashy, more simple products. Remember, with being a first time user, start off simple and work your way up to the more advanced kinky toys. You can’t ride the Harley Davidson motorcycle till you’ve ridden the Schwinn bicycle well enough to not injure yourself. So while the G-Spot orgasm inducing mega vibe is lovely, it’s probably best to start off with the more basic one. Also, don’t go over board and buy a dozen different toys. Start off with two or three well chosen ones. I noticed that some of the products are water friendly, so as long as they are properly used, you can splash around the tub for some bubbles and squeaks enjoyment. There’s also these little vibrating contraptions called Bullets. They look like, well, an egg on a leash. They are quite basic with no bells or whistles, just a switch to make it vibrate slower or faster. Nothing fancy but quite effective. I named mine Egbert.

Step #4 – Naming your new fun time friend!
Yes, naming the toy is strange, but then again, so am I. Naming the toy can be a good thing. Next time a friend calls you and you’re not feeling up to hanging out, tell them you got a meeting with “Parker” or “Gerard”. Many women have a B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) and just calling them all BOB will get confusing with who’s who. Be creative and have fun with the name. When you buy an anal plug why not call it Angus! Why that name, no idea, it’s just similar to anal and it’s a name I like. Naming a dildo Dick on the other hand, is too obvious. Having a rendezvous in the boudoir with Reynaldo sounds more sexy than getting off with Jeff on the mattress, don’t ya think?

Step #5 – Lube it!
Having some lubricant is always a good thing. The proper kind for what toy you’re playing with is important. Reading the directions on use can make the difference with how well the toy moves and how long it lasts too. You don’t want to be using a lube that will eat through the silicone of your new vibrator ruining it now, do you? Some lubes work better with certain materials than others, other lubes may damage some toys make of certain materials. Always check the labels to see that the lube and toy are compatible, or if in doubt ask a shop attendant for some suggestions on which ones to pick up. There are some flavoured lubes that can be used too if you’re using your toy with your sweetie. They might like the experience of trying different flavours with certain toys for the novelty.

Step #6 – Buying stock in a battery company.
So now you have your new friends and want to play with them. Some stores may give complimentary batteries with your purchases to get you started,  they’ll do until you can build up your stash of batteries. Best stock up on some good quality brand name batteries so you can keep going and going and going… Yes, just like that certain pink bunny mascot does when you’re using your new Rabbit. Screw it, buy in bulk And hoard them like those crazy people on those reality shows! That way you will never be ready, willing but unable, due to dead batteries. Plan ahead people! Nothing will dampen the mood like having to put your shoes back on (and everything else you took off) to take a trip to the store cause you forgot to pick some up when you were grocery shopping.

Step #7 – Aftercare for your toys
Now that you have had your playtime with your happy time toys, it’s time to give them a bath and put them to bed. Following the packaging instructions, obviously, yes do that, because the manufacturers made it will know how to keep your goodies revving for lots of future fun time.
But when it comes to putting them somewhere to store, take care of where you place them. Depending on whether you got tater tots (aka the spawn, or as most people call them, children) keeping them somewhere safe and out of sight might be good. The classic bed side table “naughty drawer”, for those who don’t have to worry about curious little hands grabbing for your vibrator so G.I. Joe can launch the missiles at the enemy on your front lawn, is always good. For the parental peeps however, I’d suggest a ‘pick-proof-hidden-behind-the-paneling’ style safe. Those kids nowadays are crafty and can hack and crack into just about anything. Better safe than sorry, in case the dreaded ‘Monster-In-Law” drops by and the kids have been snooping again and left out the Vibo-matic 6900 for her to discover when she sits down in the easy chair and feels it poking her in her left butt cheek.

So there we go, some tips on sex toy shopping for you guys. Once you get more comfy with your toys you may want to expand you harem.  Or get a specialty item for those ‘date nights’ with the hubby/boyfriend/significant other of choice. Whatever you do with whoever you do it with, just remember one thing ….. keep a fresh set of batteries close at hand! ;-)

This blog is brought to you by Luna and courtesy of The Stag Shop