Guest Blogger: Mia Ashlinn with a Perv-a-Licious Game Just For You

YOU MIGHT BE A PERVERT IF: CHRISTMAS EDITION

Every December, I put a Christmas twist on my favorite game, You Might Be a Pervert If... This year, I thought it would be highly appropriate (and slightly inappropriate) to play it out right here with my favorite pervs. Come on. It’s appropriate. Right? Or maybe, I’m just cheesy. Either way, here we go:

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you build a dungeon in your gingerbread house.

Speaking of gingerbread, you might be a Christmas pervert if…your gingerbread men are anatomically correct. (And boy oh boy, are they hung)

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you practice your oral skills on a candy cane. (Remember nice and slow. Long licks. But don’t stick it in too deep. You might cut your throat with that bad boy.)

You might be a Christmas pervert if…Santa used a Sharpie to write your name in big, bold black letters at the top of the Naughty List. (Face it, honey, you’re not getting off there. Ever.)

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you think Xmas should be XXXmas.

You might be a Christmas pervert if….your favorite Christmas movie is Home Alone, the porno edition. (The night before their flight to Paris for the Xmas holiday, the Swallows family and closest friends gather at the Winnetka, Illinois home of Dick and Kitty Swallows. Their eight-teen-year-old son Willie is tormented by his girlfriend, Ivana Fuckalot, about his hard-on for the next door neighbor, who is outside shoveling the snow. After a fight and a nice, long fuck, Willie goes to the third floor of the house to clean up. While in the shower, he jerks off with images of his naked next door neighbor dancing in his head. As he cums, he wishes his girlfriend would disappear. During the night, an electrical outage resets the alarm clocks and causes his family, friends, and girlfriend to oversleep. In the confusion and rush to reach their flight on time, Willie is left behind. Everyone is unaware of the mistake until Ivana is joining the mile-high club with Willie’s two brothers, Dick Jr. and Harry. Once in Paris, Ivana tries desperately to book a flight home, but finds that all the flights are booked for the next two days. Never fear. Ivana convinces the clerks to put her on standby after a romp in the nearest restroom. The rest of the family and friends go to their relative's home in Paris, where they have a jolly old time. Meanwhile, Willie is all alone and very lonely. What’s a boy to do? Get fucked by the two criminals breaking into his parent’s house.)

You might be a Christmas pervert if…your kids should be singing, “I saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus” rather than “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you think one of the reindeer’s names is Fucker. (Can’t you just hear Santa screaming, “On Dasher and Dancer and Fucker and Vixen. On Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.”?)

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you have exactly 69 sets of balls on your tree. (Now that’s a lot of balls.)

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you use your red velvet ribbon for a little late night bondage.

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you substitute bondage tape for Scotch tape when you wrap your presents.

You might be a Christmas pervert if…your mistletoe kiss is on your lips…the ones way down south.

You might be a Christmas pervert if…your version of a wreath is a ring that wraps around your man’s cock.

You might be a Christmas pervert if…you go to the local mall so you can sit on Santa’s lap. No need to tell him what you want for Christmas, you wicked woman.

So now, the question begging to be asked is “Are you a Christmas pervert?”

Wait. What am I thinking? I’m on the Pulpit with the Righteous Perverts' eyes on me (or on this blog, if you want to get technical). Y’all are the naughtiest, wickedest, filthiest-minded people I know. And I have no doubt your Christmas perverts. After all, y'all get your freaky on year round. No wonder I love you all.

Much love. Lots of kisses. And have a very merry, cherry Christmas!

-Mia

Guest Blogger Fiona Archer With A Contest

Thanks once again to the gals at Righteous Perverts for inviting me to guest on their blog. When it comes to perverts, nobody beats this bunch, right? Even though I’m a member of the Facebook group, the pervettes’ generosity in sharing in my special moments, such as the release of my first novel or celebrating 5-star reviews, etc., always brings a huge smile to my face.

And that leads me to the theme of my blog post: That special bond that forms between authors and their readers.

I’ll admit I’ve been lucky in the year since I was first published. The 29^th November represented twelve months since the publication of Chloe’s Double Draw. Since that time, my readers have taken me on a magic carpet ride as they’ve embraced not just my story, but me too. Let’s face it. Australia is far away from, well, just about everywhere! I can’t easily rock up to small conventions across the US and get to know readers. So each interaction a reader has with me via Facebook, Twitter, or e-mail is valued like a personal chat over coffee. It’s something to be savored.

And when you guys “like,” joke around, or giggle over something on my FB page or a comment I’ve made somewhere else, I get one of those big goofy smiles on my face. Priceless!

Some of us are shy creatures and others more outgoing. The great thing about being a reader is you get to choose the level of your “reader crush.” You can go all fan-girl and wear your love on a T-shirt, or you can be like me and silently squeal to yourself when your favorite author “likes” your comment on their post. Yes…I admit, I have my fan-girl crushes where I want to tell them how much I love their books, them, their pets, and whatever the hell else I can think of all in one breath. But, with a herculean effort, I keep that part of myself hidden. Well, most of the time.

My most recent author crushes (say in the last ten years) have all been writers who share some of my interests and/or beliefs and show that in their writing. For example, their characters have a love of animals and their welfare. Their heroines can recognize beauty in the world and deep down possess a gentleness of spirit that doesn’t affect how kickass they can be even if they are burdened with mental or physical scars. Or they write alpha heroes who know that it’s sexy when you can laugh at yourself!

I’d love to know what it is about certain authors that YOU love? What makes an author your “book buddy” apart from just being a writer whose work you enjoy reading?

Toward the end of January, High-Stakes Loving, book 2 in my King’s Bluff, Wyoming series, will be released by Siren. It’s been a long time coming. I know I pushed the patience levels of some readers to the breaking point with the time it took to get this baby written, but I’m hoping all that goodwill shall be rewarded with this story.

As a fun way to say “thanks” to you all for having me here, I’m giving away a Chloe’s Double Draw key ring. It’s gorgeous with three charms and colored-glass beads. Here’s a pic for you to see! 

For a chance to win, comment below on what it is that makes an author your “book buddy.” The winner will be chosen using Random.org.

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